3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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