i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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