do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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