i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
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Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
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He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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