I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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