so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
