I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so let's talk penis.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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