Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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