I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
