He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
