There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just had sex on a roof
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
