Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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