she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
