I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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