And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
