Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
