there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
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We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
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All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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