he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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