I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
