ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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