I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
