I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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