apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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