You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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