Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
