before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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