I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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