I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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