I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
