I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My bed smells like the plague
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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