It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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