rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
