one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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