Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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