You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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