we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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