It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
