Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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