Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
