I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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