I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
