At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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