The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
