Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dicks are not precious.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
