You really coming over, don't trick.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
