I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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