Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
