i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Mom said you looked used
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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