Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
