he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
