I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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