Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
