i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
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you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
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I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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