How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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