I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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