Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
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