Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Life is so much better after having sex.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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